I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
