i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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