grandma shit on top of the toilet
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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