I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
