you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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