I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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