hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
