what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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