getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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