I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
