The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
