my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
