I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
