I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
