I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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