The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
