glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
