I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
