So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
