No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
