oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
