If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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