i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
