she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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