So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
