everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm having to shit out rocks
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