the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
