Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
