he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
