my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
