FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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