He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
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Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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