Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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