I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
