My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
