He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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