I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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