It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
