If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's no shave November. This is our time.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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