I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
