He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
