she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
