We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
