K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
