I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Still dying that you shit outside
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
