my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I will pee on everything he values.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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