i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
