On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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