I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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