i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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