So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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