either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
