I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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