Moan for me like Helen Keller
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
